Doing right by mirrors and more

I realized a long time ago that I underestimate myself. I have little faith in what I’m capable of doing and even less motivation if it’s something having to do with my personal life.

But for the first time in years, I did something positive for myself: Today I met my first big weightloss goal.

And in typical Amanda fashion, I went straight to a tattoo parlor to celebrate. But don’t worry, I didn’t get more ink (yet). This time I got a piercing, one I’ve missed for many years.

In 2008, I took out my belly button ring after what seemed like the 1,000th person asked how many months along I was in my pregnancy. The problem with this: I wasn’t pregnant and had never been pregnant. I had one hell of a booze gut and was out of shape, but that question (which was asked in front of about 20 people mind you) did me in.

That night I took out my belly button ring and threw out all my jewelry so I wasn’t tempted to put it back in.

I told myself when I began this journey, I’d get re-pierced when I hit the first major goal (it changed a few times). And today was the day.

The creepy clamp

The piercer getting it done

 

All done

It’s been a long time since I’ve been OK with my midsection, or how I look in general, but I’m so very glad to say that for the first time in years, I don’t hide from mirrors. Realistically, I should probably walk away from them more but even when I’m talking to my boss in her office, I catch myself staring in it.

I never thought I’d be that vain, but what did I know?

It’s funny how much my confidence is associated with my appearance. I know there’s so much more to life than that. I know I’m at least reasonably intelligent and that I’m good at my job and that I am capable of being a good person when I’m not in bitch mode. But for me, half of holding your head up high is being able to look folks in the eye, and I can’t do that when I’m uncomfortable with my body.

But each day I’m holding my head a bit higher, and looking in the mirror a little bit more.

Facts correction

While walking around Jacksonville Commons tonight with Kathy, she informed me that last night’s “Random Facts” post is not entirely accurate. So, to appease Kathy, here we go:

13. I have a short attention span, it’s basically impossible for me to stay focused for longer than a couple minutes unless a good book is involved.

When reading a good book, I basically forget that sleep and food is required to live a healthy lifestyle. I can lay in bed, lay on the couch or sit at the kitchen table for a long as is required to read the book. I’ve even been known to sit on the steps of my porch from the beginning to end of a book if it’s good. Needless to say, that’s resulted in many the sunburn.

So, I can be distracted from:

• Housework
• Work work
• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Anything domestic
• And pretty much anything else other than reading.

The end.

 

Random facts

There are a few things you should probably know about me. I’m obviously a female on a mission but I’m a female with so many quirks and oddities that it can be hard to figure me out at times. So, here’s a bit of help:

1. I love Mountain Dew. You know you have a problem when a girl you went to high school with and haven’t seen in five years asks if you still have a Mountain Dew addiction while she’s serving you at an area restaurant.

2. I do not eat anything green. Lately, I’ve added green apples and green grapes to my diet but that doesn’t mean that broccoli and other green items will ever join. Sorry, ma.

3. I don’t like to touch pumpkin goop. I like to carve pumpkins and eat pumpkin seeds but I do not like the goop.

4. I have trust issues. As in I don’t trust anyone other than myself and a select few others. Just because we’ve talked for years or you know a bit about me doesn’t mean I trust you.

5. More than likely, I’d rather hang out with Chopper my evil husky than deal with people and their crap. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

6. I hide in books. I’d rather deal with a fictional character’s issues and see how they solve them than face my own.

7. If I’m hating life, I’m typically at the office other than waking hours. Lately, this has turned into I’m walking my ass off. I’m 99.5% sure I have not lost weight because I try, instead I’ve lost weight because I’m constantly angry.

8. I don’t eat anything I could swim with. No fish, shark, dolphin, seaweed, etc. I will eat shrimp, occassionally.

9. I’m not a breakfast person but I really like scrambled eggs and hashbrowns for dinner.

10. I don’t cook from scratch, but I am beast as far as frozen-already-prepared meals go. Frozen chicken and instant mashed potatoes anyone?

11. I’ve been going back and forth with the same man since 2005. I’m hoping we’ll figure it all out in the near future.

12. I very much want to go outside and scream at children to stay off my lawn.

13. I have a short attention span, it’s basically impossible for me to stay focused for longer than a couple minutes.

14. I smoke. A lot. And I hate that I cannot go into a bar and enjoy a cigarette with my drinks anymore.

15. Strawberry Toaster Strudel may be the end of my diet. I love them and the icing!

16. I believe in abortion, divorce and gay marriage. Deal with it.

17. I do not believe in organized religion and am not a fan of being told someone’s going to pray for me. If you want to, that’s your choice but I’m OK not knowing about it.

18. I support our troops. I do not agree with this war. Bring our men and women back already. And take care of them once they’re back. Emotionally and Physically.

19. I’d be happy working two days a week and having five off.

20. I desperately want burger king but I may settle for Hamburger Helper

Making progress

This morning I got closer to my goal: After more than a month of hovering between 135 and 138 pounds, I weighed in at 134.8.

To most, this won’t seem like much but it gives me that extra push to get in gear.

Saturday, I walked about five miles, did 200 crunches on the ab lounge and bought little easy grip three pound weights. They got used twice and, I’m not going to lie, my poor little arms hurt like hell today. Today’s plan is to walk about six miles, do 250 crunches on the ab lounge, use the weights twice and hit the exericse bike for at least 10 minutes.

Basically, I’m hoping to be at 130 at or shortly after Pay Day Friday (aka Sept. 23) so I can get my belly button re-pierced before I’m in sweaters and jackets nonstop.

What I’ve realized is that I’m so focused on the goal, I would be willing to skip food entirely. I’m not, mind you, but each time I sit down for a meal I’m pondering how much I’m going to have to walk to make sure I don’t gain the next day. How many crunches I’ll need to do to get rid of any signs of gluttony. How long on the exercise bike to save a few minutes of my time.

The potato chip aisle at the grocery store hurts my heart. I love its contents so very much, but I don’t love its affect on my weigh-ins at all. My bottle of vodka’s been sitting in my freezer untouched for a month now since I love it with Mountain Dew and once I’m drinking I desperately want pizza and the aforementioned chips.

It turns out folks were right when they said weightloss and health(ier) living was a lifestyle change. I’ve given up much of what I love to achieve this goal, I’ve gone from being a bum after work to moving more than I had in years, I’ve gone from three fast food meals a day to doubting every food decision I make.

I’m hoping that once I get there, it’ll get easier to maintain it rather than constantly decreasing. But somehow I suspect that it’ll have its struggles, too: 1.) Chopper wanting to walk constantly 2.) Potato chip envy 3.) Remembering to not gourge on food.

Oh how I miss the days of 3,000+ calories and no guilt.

Oh how far we’ve come

When I realized it was time to shed a few pounds (read when none of my pants would fit without me resembling a stereotypical plumber), I had one simple goal: Do better than I was at that point. Translation: Eat better, exercise more and drink less soda and more water.

On days like today when I wake up unable to give a damn, grab McDonald’s hashbrowns on my way to work and eat a coney and mozzarrella sticks for lunch, I have to remind myself of my goal (which I’m only five pounds from at this point).

But I also have to remember that just a few months ago I would’ve had the massive McD’s platter for breakfast complete with pancakes and syrup and the hashbrowns. Just a couple months ago I would’ve had the coney, mozz sticks, tator tots and a ginormous soda to wash it all down. Then I would’ve followed all that up with a Bojangles dinner instead of coming home and making dinner, even if it wasn’t the healthiest thing I could’ve made.

Some days are shit, to put it bluntly. And some days, like the days you were expecting to see someone you haven’t seen in what seems like forever and know that isn’t going to happen, simply require comfort food.

And the biggest difference between now and a few months ago: then I would’ve ate all that, washed it down with a Mountain Dew because I’m not a fan of water, not exercised and gone straight into bum mode. Tonight I put a leash on my energetic husky and went on a 2.5 mile walk.

The end result: I’m in a better mood than I was this morning and this afternoon and I’m under my calorie goal for the day despite having ate more (and worse) than I should have.

I’ve come a long way from where I was a few months ago, something my mother reminds of me each time she looks at me and says “I can’t believe how much weight you’ve lost,” and while days like today may be a temporary set back, I’m still doing a hell of a lot better than I was.

Tomorrow’s a brand new day and my Slimfast shake, water bottle and apple slices are waiting in the fridge together for me to take them to work in the morning. My Lean Pockets are in the freezer for lunch time. And I’m sure I can scrounge up something for dinner.

I’m only five pounds away and that’s way too close to my goal to throw it away now.

Picture perfect

I got my disc of photos from Jordan and Snap to Photography tonight and I am thrilled!

I’m *never* happy with photos of me, but these were fun and I’m thrilled with how they turned out. Here are a few of my favorites:

 

 

Starting over

A few months ago, I set out on a journey to improve the way I feel about myself. Since I’ve been unhappy with my appearance for what seems like forever, that was step No. 1.

However, I’m currently five pounds away from my goal and it still seems like happiness is so far away.

Part of it is easily solved. A large part of my heart has been gone for a long time and that’s currently being resolved. But a larger part is that I miss writing for me. I miss the fun of coming home after a long day at the office and just *writing* about the random thoughts, ideas, emotions that come with daily life.

So today, Sept. 12, 2011, is day No. 1 of “Operation blog a lot.” The goal is not to flood your feeds but to get the craziness that is in my head and heart into something comprehensible. And, perhaps, to allow you a giggle or two along the way.

In the mean time, I shall spend tonight sprucing this ole blog back up. Thanks to Jordan at Snap to Photography for the photo in this post and the one that is in the blog header. I need to find a template that will allow for the entire photo since it’s basically awesome.

Reunited and it feels so good

Recently a friend from college and I have had a nightly routine: I pass him dating tips. And some, while meant to be amusing, have been pretty freaking insightful.

So, before I forget them, here’s a few of the tips from Amanda’s professional dating life:

Disclaimer: I do not promise that my tips will be helpful in any way as I am single and have no luck dating what-so-ever.

1.) Take girls only to places with bathrooms. Peeing in the woods does not scream romance.

2.) Don’t wear Nascar gear. Not even at a race. Not even if you’re working for a racing magazine.

3.) Don’t put unnecessary pressure on it: approach everything as hanging out. Worse case scenario you end up with a new friend. Between work and life in general, stress is in abundance. Ya don’t want to seem like more work.

4.) Keep your FB status hidden. This has multiple purposes: 1.) Folks have to *ask* if you’re seeing anyone instead of knowing you are or aren’t, and many want what they can’t have. 2.) It keeps from the embarrassing break-up notification. 

5.) The main one is be yourself, but remember that typically folks are on good behavior for the first 6 months so keep it in the back of your mind that while you may like the chick, you don’t know anything yet

And on a more serious note, don’t take this entry to mean I’m back.

Take this entry to mean I’ve spent too much time discussing how I should make this blog entry with Adam. Also take it to mean I have a project launching on the jdnews site in 2 hours and 6 minutes and am trying to stay awake.

<3

Over it

So…. in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m basically done blogging on here. Maybe one day I’ll return. But I’m not counting on it.

By the time I’m off work, I have no interest in blogging. Between the two blogs I maintain regularly for work and the stuff I type up at work, the last thing I want to do is type another sentence once I’m off.

Instead, I’m going old school: I HAVE DUG OUT MY OLD JOURNAL. You know, the kind you write in with pens.

So, we’re going to try that out.

sad state of affairs

Its a rarity I am disgusted with folks in this community. But tonight I was given a reason to be, at least with a few young people in the area.

It was brought to my attention that a few of this area’s best and brightest had discussed jumping and robbing my father. Otherwise known as Onslow’s most public homeless man. Luckily, it was discussed near someone familiar with his situation and family who said simply: I wouldn’t suggest it, he’s a former Marine and armed. Or something to that affect.

To the girl that discouraged it, thank you. To those that discussed it, you should be ashamed of yourselves. And remember Karma’s a bitch.

A couple years ago when an area homeless man was essentially gutted by a couple of drunks, I was scared shitless it was my dad until it was confirmed that it wasn’t. While I was sad for the mans family, I was relieved it wasn’t mine.

I haven’t spoken to my dad in many years. I doubt I will until he gets the help he needs but refuses to get. I know somewhere deep in his soul is the man who took me fishing when I was young. I also know somewhere in there is the man who threw my mom down a flight of stairs and who tried to choke me. Call me what you like, but I would rather not get close to him while he’s not on his medication.

I know the good parts of him are in there. I have no doubt since every year I get the same messages from him at work when my birthday nears. And every year he tells me, the girl who he thinks is his daughter, that I’m doing a great job and will accomplish a lot. That he loves me and hopes I’m doing well.

And every year, I start to cry and wish that he would get the help he needs. Get a house where he’s safe instead of living in his truck.

As hurricane Earl looms, I don’t worry about the house or dogs – I know we will all be fine. But I truly hope my dad is heading someplace safe. The inside of a truck isn’t a safe place to ride out a Category 4 storm.

I also hope that those who inquire about him, ask if there’s anything they can do, and what not have a special place in heaven waiting for them.