And then He created the beach

I have this theory where when God created the beach, he intended it to be a sanctuary for those like me who aren’t a fan of organized religion because, really, how can you look at a place like North Topsail Beach and *not* feel at peace with everything around you and yourself?
When I need to think, I go to the beach. When I need to *breathe*, I go to the beach. When I need to calm down, come to peace with something or just get away, I go to the beach.

Today’s visit was simply because it was too nice not to go. I’m hoping this year I can have more “just because” visits and fewer “let’s get this together, chick” visits.

Starting with vacation, which kicks off Saturday night as soon as I leave the office.

College flashbacks and a few realizations

It’s funny, growing up I figured that becoming the person I wanted to be would be incredibly easy. Hell, a year ago I thought it would be easy. And six months ago, for that matter.

But this journey is like going back to college with all the note taking I’m doing.

Tonight my goal was to get six miles in on my stationary bike and, since I have a problem sitting still, I figured I’d combine efforts: Enter Joyce Meyer’s “The Confident Woman.”

I managed to read a chapter or two of it while peddling my heart out, with a highlighter in hand.

And I had flashbacks to while I was at UNC Pembroke and my roommate would con me into going to the on campus gym, inevitably on a night when I had a test the next day, to burn off some of what we drank in recent nights. Note: Had I gone with her more often, I probably wouldn’t have ended up as big as I did.

It is incredibly hard to balance peddling, reading, highlighting and getting the water bottle to your mouth. In fact, I’m willing to bet my heart rate monitor would’ve picked up an increased rate at the points when I was trying to balance all of those.

But it’s so worth it.

Every day I feel like I’m learning something new, about myself and the journey I am on and the ones I want to take in the future.

In fact, I’m kinda thinking this may be the journey that never ends. Which I’m totally OK with.

Dear extra weight, buh bye.

The scale had a nice surprise for me this morning: I weighed in at 117 on the dot.

Created by MyFitnessPal – Nutrition Facts For Foods

Last spring when this journey began, I weighed 147. In 2008, when I was at my biggest, I was about 170.

To say I’m happy would be an understatement.

Unfortunately, now I get to learn the art of maintaining weight because I’m super afraid that if I get any smaller, I will look like one of those stick thin models who you know skips meals and suspect puts illegal substances up their nose. I comfortably fit size 5s and really don’t have any interest in wearing a smaller size, especially not one that consists of a zero.

Zero is not a size, it’s a sign people need to eat more. As a fan of food, I don’t *expect* to ever see a zero, one or three. It just is what it is. I like Bojangles, love steak and potatoes, and would live off pasta if it were possible. And don’t get me going on pizza and wings.

I also love adult beverages, which sometimes results in stupidity, classy displays and injury. But that’s another story for another day.

And… just saying.

Created by MyFitnessPal – Free Calorie Counter

Check ’em off, Prince Charming

After a recent discussion with a guy friend, it’s been determined I need to make a list of qualifications for any future men who will have a role in my life. So, in hopes of preventing any future idiots who require a bond, here we go.

Courtesy of fanpop.com

My ideal Prince Charming….

1. Must be able to hold a conversation. I don’t mean asking “what are you doing” and having me reply. I mean an actual honest-to-God conversation, complete with intelligence.

2. Needs to be able to stand up to me. I don’t mean be an abusive jackass, but I’m a strongwilled woman as anyone who’s dealt with me regularly can attest to, and I get incredibly bored with men who just give me what I want or shake their heads regularly.

3. Is willing to go out for a night of shooting pool, dinner, whatever, but is OK with staying in and reading or watching a movie instead. I’m a homebody who has the occasional wild hair, I like to be a bum.

4. Understands that while many women my age come with children, I come with an incredibly determined husky. While I appreciate the offers to train him, I’d prefer my man just love him.

5. Be educated. I don’t want an ignorant man. I learn a lot of random stuff at work, and I want to be able to *discuss* it (see No. 1). And, frankly, I don’t want to be able to outsmart or manipulate you, Charming.

6. I am vain enough to say that I don’t deal with ugly people (Sorry, God, I know that’s not good but…), so in the world of vanity: please be decently built (not scrawny but not all muscle. Enough muscle I feel safe but enough cushion that I’m comfy snuggling), tattooed (I like ’em inked, or at least not judgmental about mine) and have a handsome face with eyes I want to look into.

7. No crotchrockets. I’m all for a good motorcycle, but please go the Harley or chopper route as I’d prefer you cruise rather than drive like a jackass like most of those I see on crotchrockets.

8. Understand that my time is valuable. Do not leave me waiting. If you say you’re going to call, do it. If you say you’ll pick me up at 8, be there at 7:59 and at my door at 8. Running late? Tell me. There is *nothing* I hate more than waiting for someone who doesn’t value my time enough to not waste it.

9. Know that I won’t do my hair and make up more often than I will, but when I do put the time into getting ready to see you, you should feel special.

10. Make me smile. At the end of the day, if I’ve smiled more than I haven’t, I’m a happy girl.

And those, guys and girls, are the highlights.

A different type of running

I’ve spent what seems like years running. Running away from emotions, commitment, a broken heart or two. Running to work during just about every one of those runs.

This time we’re trying something a little different.

Actual honest to God running!

Clearly this isn't me.

Monday night, I went for my first run in preparation of an April 22 5K. And I nearly died. Seriously, had our planned route been any longer I probably would’ve started to pray for God to take me then and there because I was hurting.

Of course, I’d also ate Tony’s pizza and a giant fudge brownie that night, so that’s probably a good bit of it. On top of the part where I hadn’t ran in a decade.

Tonight I went for run No. 2 and, while I still did some walking, it went better. In fact, despite the parts where I could barely breathe, my shins were on fire and I was sweating like a pig, I found I actually like the entire concept of running.

I like that I can feel my muscles burning since that means I’m doing something. I like that I can feel each step in my midsection since then I don’t feel as bad about skipping my crunches. I like that my arms are moving and that I didn’t accidentally throw my cell phone onto the sidewalk since it was serving as my MP3 player.

And I like that I have something to work toward now that I’m so close to my weightloss goal. I’m only 2.5 pounds away from the 30 pound loss mark that I want so badly, and I was worried that I’d lose my motivation.

But now I have at least another month’s worth, and then it’ll be bikini season and we all know beach loving women stay motivated that time of year.

Especially when it’s the first summer EVER they’ll get to wear a skanky bikini and *feel* awesome in it.

Dear mother nature

There is nothing better than that first visit to the beach each year. And today was it for 2012.

Thanks, mother nature, for making it happen.

Each chapter’s a learning experience

People enter your life for different reasons. Some are meant to be around forever, while some make an appearance for a short period of time. Yet each and every one are a part of your journey, your story.

And when each chapter ends, there’s a bit of sadness mixed with the excitement of a new chapter beginning.

Today was a reminder of that.

In the fall, I met a man who made me smile and feel loved, special and safe all at once. He was the first man in years who actually made an attempt to get to know me, and that was nice. In the beginning of our fun, he got into a spot of trouble (DWI) and with my still-asleep brain, I drove to Wilmington to bail him out. It was a poor decision in hindsight, but it’s not one I regret because lessons were learned.

Long story short, this man and I did not work out. After nearly two months of silence, we opted to get a friend of his to take over his bond. It would help us both: I wouldn’t need to worry and I’d be out of his life per his current female’s request.

Tonight I met the man at a gas station at N.C. 24 and Bell Fork Road and we headed to Wilmington with a friend of his. Two cars, three people, one mission. And it was successful. The bond is no longer my responsibility if something goes wrong, and for that I am grateful.

But what amazed me more than everything today is that I feel no bitterness. I’m sad that this man with a smile that brightens the room is no longer a part of my life, even as a friend, but I’m glad to have the weight off my shoulders.

I’m glad he showed me it was OK to take my walls down, that I deserved more than I settled for on multiple occasions, and that I was capable of falling for someone again.

I wish him happiness in his life and his relationship. And I hope that he manages to stay out of trouble tonight while he and his friend enjoy Wilmington.

Because, while I have no hard feelings, I will never, ever bond someone out again. Ever.

I will be… confident

Confidence has never been my strong point.

Hard work, I’ve got covered. Strength, got it. Determination, sure. Confidence? Not so much. Or not at all, really.

But lately, I’ve found myself feeling better about it.

You see, my current journey isn’t all physical. Growing up, I had this idea of who I’d be at 25. Among the things I’d hoped to be were gorgeous (because I am vain), confident and loving my life.

Through months of hard work, I’m *finally* OK with my appearance. Some days I’m more than OK with it, I’m thrilled.

For example, on the day of the photo above, I could *see* the difference. My arms are so much smaller than they were a year ago, let alone two. My legs are tiny in comparison and don’t get me going on my gut.

Other days, like today when I tried on a bikini, I see an improvement but that I’m not where I want to be. Of course, I also tried on the bikini after eating two slices of Tony’s Pizza (which is the best in Jacksonville, in my opinion), some cheesy garlic bread and some fried ravioli, which was all washed down with Mello Yello. Needless to say, probably not the best time to try on a bikini.

But confidence can’t be only about the physical. I’m learning to be more positive, to not doubt myself, to trust God more and have more faith in Him and in what I am capable of through him.

I’ve never been a religious person, but I’m learning that I don’t have to be. At the end of the day, it’s about a person’s relationship with God not what church they attend. I don’t believe God takes attendance. I believe he is more concerned with how you act, if you are living life as He’d want you to.

Joyce Meyer is proving instrumental in this journey. Between watching her broadcasts, reading her books and following her on various social media, I’ve learned more in the last couple months than I had in 25 years.

I’m currently reading her book “The Confident Woman” because, frankly, it couldn’t hurt. My logic at this point is that even if I only learn one thing, the book was worth reading since it was one thing I didn’t know before hand.

But I digress.

While reading tonight, I came across what Joyce calls the “seven secrets of a confident woman” and, I have to say, seeing them in black and white helped. Reading about them helped more. Filling a couple pages in my journal with them added to the help that was being done. And, I hope, sharing them here will help as well:

1. A confident woman knows she is loved. (This is one I’ve always had issues with)
2. A confident woman refuses to live in fear.(Also have problems with this one)
3. A confident woman is positive. (Getting better at this one but I still have a lonnnnng way to go)
4. A confident woman recovers from setbacks. (This I’ve got covered. Typically, I mope for a while then go back to plotting my next move. If you don’t believe me, ask my boss. I’m sure she can vouch for this.)
5. A confident woman avoids comparison (I’m awful at this)
6. A confident woman takes action (this depends on what I’m taking action on, I tend to procrastinate if it’s something I really don’t want to deal with).
7. A confident woman does not live in “if only” and “what if” (Anyone remember the man known as Lucy the football stealing wench? What ifs. That’s all I’m saying.)

These secrets, as Joyce calls them, are how I want to be. I want to know I’m loved, be positive, not live in fear, avoid comparing myself with others, take action and avoid the “what ifs” in life (especially where men are concerned since they are my biggest “what if” downfall).

I want the life I dreamed of. I want to be everything I am capable of being. I want to be the kind of woman who can be inspirational to others. I am also vain enough to say that I want to be the kind of woman who men nearly break their necks to look at when she walks by. Obviously, that’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s there. (And a few years ago, I would’ve said that I want to be the woman that other women hate because they compare themselves to her, so I’m growing as a person).

And I am going to have the life I dreamed of. I may not have a best seller on the shelf (yet), have the flat tummy of my dreams (yet), be able to run for miles, or be married as I’d hoped to be at this point in my life, but I have a job that pays the bills, wonderful friends and family, and know that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to.

Because I am becoming a confident woman.

Online shopping: It’s a problem.

There is nothing quite like that moment when you realize you have to replace your wardrobe because nothing fits. It’s like this glorious moment of pride combined with depression about the amount you’re spending at one time.

My recently paid off Peebles card is no longer recently paid off, if that’s any indication. But I did use enough coupons to save nearly as much as I spent. So, I’ll spend the next while paying that damn card off. Again.

But let’s be clear, I ordered like seven shirts, three pairs of jeans, three pairs of work pants, a denim mini skirt just because I CAN, a pair of shorts and two dresses. I did some damage, kids, let me tell ya.

But we should also note that inevitably half of that I won’t like on me or won’t fit, so I’m not too worried. By the time I’m done knixing things once the packages arrive, I’ll be down to hardly any debt at all.

Online shopping: way too convenient and damn addictive.

A few shopping highlights from Peebles.com: